Excerpt from Accelerate to Love

CHAPTER TWO
 
A DIAGNOSTIC CHECK OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Dating and courtship are qualifying stages in what we’ve dubbed “The Relationship Race.”  Saying “I do” is just the beginning of that race.  Unfortunately, many men and women treat their wedding ceremony as if it’s the finish line—they’ve obtained the prize of a mate.  But the wedding is really the starting line of the relationship race, where, at the end of a happy life, the couple’s goal should be to take the checkered flag together.

Yet, somewhere on the track of life, many marriages falter or even crash and burn.  Although it looks hopeless, the relationship that’s sidelined still has a shot at that checkered flag.  The couple just needs to return to many of their prerace behaviors, and rediscover the romance and love that propelled them into marriage.

Couples in unhappy long-term relationships often can’t understand how they’ve lost some of the love and happiness they’d experienced when dating.  After marriage, couples often stop behaving the way they did during courtship, which causes marital dissatisfaction.

Most times the husband is the first one to change.  After several days or weeks away from work enjoying his honeymoon, he’s behind at his job and has a lot of catching up to do. 

And he feels a new pressure has settled on his shoulders—he now has a wife and future children to provide for.  It doesn’t matter that his wife might have a well-paying job of her own.  The primitive male instinct to be a good provider kicks in.  On some deep level a man equates “good husband” with “good provider.”  Plus, the wedding and honeymoon has cost a lot, and the bills are due. 

The wife then becomes disappointed, hurt, or resentful.  What happened to her romantic, attentive husband?  She begins to act out her feelings, expressing her dissatisfaction, becoming tearful, or stopping the behaviors that pleased him.  Her eagerness for sex decreases.  The relationship that once sped along the track sputters.

 When this happens, the couple might argue and feel upset about the changes in each other, or they let them pass.  But they continue to do less and less of their previous courtship behaviors.  The passion and desire to spend time together that fueled the relationship evaporates.  One or both partners can experience feelings of resignation, believing, “This is what’s supposed to happen in long relationships.”  They might feel hurt or angry and say things such as, “You’re not the man/woman you used to be.”  Or, “You don’t really love me.”

Sometimes the fights and unhappiness escalate to the point that the relationship crashes.  Both the man and woman pick up the pieces of their lives and wobble off the track, heading in separate directions, deeply scarred by the wreck of their hopes and dreams.

Are you guilty of easing off the gas pedal in your relationship?

In this chapter and in Chapter Three, we ask you to take a frank look at your own part in stalling your relationship.  We also ask your partner for her input.  The idea is not about feeling guilty or placing blame, but about taking personal responsibility.

 Men don’t tend to analyze themselves and their relationships to the same extent women do.  Sometimes a man doesn’t know how and why things changed.  He might be dissatisfied because his wife has gained weight, is critical, is engrossed in the children, and has stopped being eager for sex.  But beyond knowing he’s packed on a few pounds or lost some hair, he doesn’t realize how much he, too, has changed.

In order to make a better future, you need to understand what happened in the past.  Let’s examine some of the reasons you might have changed.  The following are problems from the average relationship, not one in need of professional treatment because of serious dysfunction, adultery, verbal and physical abuse, or drug and alcohol addiction.  Mark any that might apply to you. 

_____You’re too busy with work.
_____She (or both of you) is too involved with the children.
_____She (or you) is too involved with extended family members, or one (or both) of you has family members who’ve interfered with your marriage in some way.
_____You’re too involved with other interests—playing or watching sports, TV, time on the computer, going out with the “boys,” hobbies, church or community service, or working on the house/yard.
_____She’s too involved with other people or activities.
_____You try, but can’t seem to please her, so you’ve mostly given up.
_____She’s too critical and complains too much.
_____She’s gained weight or aged in ways that you find unattractive.
_____You’ve gained weight or aged and no longer feel attractive or sexually interested.
_____She doesn’t seem interested in you sexually.
_____She doesn’t seem interested in you—your job, your hobbies, your concerns.
_____You’re expending your sexual energy in masturbation from reading or watching porn.
_____You no longer have interests in common and basically lead separate lives.

If you’ve marked one or more of the above, as you continue reading Accelerate to Love, you’ll find ways to implement the changes you need to improve your relationship.  But first you need to examine your motivation, for you will need plenty of personal incentive to propel your relationship back on track.  You will need extra fuel for the long haul, especially since, sometimes, you’ll be driving uphill. 

To accomplish this, you’ll have to remind yourself of the relationship you once had with your partner—to remember who and what you once were.  You’ll also need to provide her with the motivation to grow and change.  Both of you must revisit roads that maybe you haven’t traveled for some time.  However, somewhere along the journey, you will begin to rediscover the original source of your love, romance, and the passion responsible for igniting your relationship. 

Before we go any further in this process, complete the following Romantic History List.  You and your partner each have a questionnaire to fill out.

Think back to when you were still qualifying for one another’s love.  Finishing second was the furthest thing from your mind, wasn’t it?  The questionnaire is designed to help you remember all the romantic, considerate things you did to win her love and become the front man in her life.  She will rediscover the things she did to inspire and encourage the sensitive, considerate romantic in you.  We also ask you both to remember some high points in your courtship history.  Don’t talk to each other about the questions, but answer them from your own memories and feelings. 

 
Romantic History Lists

Special memories, places, events, and dates from your pre-marital past

 
FOR MEN
 
1. What is the date you first met your girlfriend or wife?
2. Where did you first meet?
3. Do you remember your first sight of your girlfriend or wife?  What attracted you to her?  What did you think about her?
4. Where did the two of you go on your first date?  What did you do?
5. If it was a restaurant, do you remember what you ate?  Do you remember what you talked about?  What you felt?
6. Where did you exchange your first kiss?
7. What kind of compliments did you pay her?
8. How did she express her appreciation for you and for what you did?
9. What was your favorite dating experience?
10. What were some of your favorite activities together?
11. What are some of the best memories you have from that time?
12. What’s the date you proposed?
13. Where did the proposal take place?
14. What prior planning did you do to surprise her?
15. Describe the proposal.  Include what happened and your feelings.
16. When you were dating, did you have a favorite song?  What was it?
17. What was your favorite place to hang out together?
18. What’s the most romantic thing you did for her?
19. What’s the date of your wedding anniversary?
20. List the important, romantic memories you have of your wedding day.
21. Where did you stay on your wedding night?
22. What are your romantic memories of your wedding night?
23. Where did you have your honeymoon?
24. Describe your romantic memories of your honeymoon.
 
FOR WOMEN

1. What is the date you first met your boyfriend or husband?
2. Where did you first meet?
3. Do your remember your first sight of him?  What attracted you to him?  What did you say to yourself about him?
4. Where did the two of you go on your first date?  What did you do?
5. Where did you exchange your first kiss?
6. What kind of compliments did he use to pay you?
7. How did you express your happiness and appreciation of him and what he did for you?
8. What was your favorite dating experience?
9. What were some of the favorite activities you liked to do together?
10. What are some of the best memories you have from that time?
11. What’s your favorite romantic thing he did?
12. What’s the date he proposed?
13. Where did the proposal take place?
14. Describe how you felt and how you responded.
15. What are some of the helpful gestures he used to do for you?
16. Did you have a song that was “Our Song?”  What was it?
17. What was your favorite place to hang out together?
18. What’s the date of your wedding anniversary?
19. List the important, romantic memories you have of your wedding day.
20. What are your romantic memories of your wedding night?
21. Where did you go for your honeymoon?
22. Describe your romantic memories of your honeymoon.
 

Keep the list handy.  We will ask you to use it later. 

Next, while we are taking a trip down memory lane, we also want you to remember the kind of gentleman you were when you were dating—how you treated your girlfriend like the special lady she is.  If you’ve abandoned your courtly ways, you have undermined the bond between the two of you, allowing rust to weaken the structural integrity of the relationship.

The following is a list of basic affectionate and considerate gestures.  By basic, we mean the kind of behaviors a gentleman does for the lady he loves.  They are the underlying foundation of a committed, romantic relationship and should be practiced every day.

As you read the list, you’ll realize you probably did many, if not all, of the gestures when you were dating her.  Hopefully, you still do many of them.  We’ve included a space in front of each gesture for you to check if you consistently do that behavior.

 
_____Hold her hand when you’re out with her.
_____Always open doors for her.
_____Pull out her chair at restaurants, dinner parties, and anywhere in public.
_____Look at her when you are having a conversation.
_____Help her put on her coat or sweater and later remove it for her.
_____Sit close to her whenever possible.
_____Offer to carry bags or heavy items.
_____Walk her to her car when she leaves for work or is going out at night.
_____Greet her with a hug and kiss when she returns home.
_____Give her a kiss good-bye when either one of you is leaving to go somewhere.
_____Continue, or begin, to use a pet name for her, such as sweetie, honey, babe.  Or create a pet name for her.
_____Kiss her good morning.
_____Kiss her first thing when you get home from work.
_____Kiss her good night, every night.
_____Hug her daily.  Intersperse short and long hugs.
_____Kiss her several times daily.  (Right before sex doesn’t count.)
_____Tell her you love her every day.
_____Look for opportunities to compliment her.
_____Call her at work just to say, “Hello,” “I love you,” “I’m thinking of you,” “I miss you,” “I can’t wait to see you. 
_____Say “please” when you ask her for something and “thank you” when she does anything for you.
_____Express gratitude for any meals she prepares for you.
_____Pick up after yourself around the house.  (You’ll be surprised at the gratitude and appreciation you’ll receive from that gesture alone.)
 

If you did any of the above gestures or others while you were dating your girlfriend, without saying it you were promising her you would love, honor, respect, and cherish her that way forever.

If you stopped the romantic, thoughtful gestures, you slowly and unknowingly ground down the gears of the loving relationship you and your woman once shared.  The good news it that you can reverse the damage and rebuild your marriage.  Start by noticing the questions you’ve left blank and make a mental note of the romantic behaviors you’ve let slide, or the ones you’ve never done, and start doing them.

She may be surprised at first, or even make a sharp comment or two.  But deep down inside, she’ll be pleased.

SHARING TIME

Now it’s time to get together with your partner for some sharing time.  But before you start, the two of you need to agree to certain rules.  The purpose of this sharing time is to reminisce and reconnect.  This won’t happen if either one of you makes hurtful or sarcastic comments about the past, how things have changed, or what each of you did or didn’t write on their questionnaire.

If either of you finds yourself having hurt or angry feelings about the past or what has changed, make a decision to set them aside for now.  In a later chapter, we’ll give you ways to process your feelings and heal them.

Step one is to get out the photo albums from when you were dating, your wedding, and your first year of marriage, and together page through the pictures.  You can also watch any videos you might have of that time.  Have fun remembering your courtship.

Next, we want you to exchange your questionnaires.  It’s ok if either of you have forgotten some of the circumstances of the past, and left the question blank.  No one should be punished for forgetting.  One of you is bound to remember and playfully remind the other.  Of, if you’ve both forgotten, have a laugh together for being forgetful. 

The important part is to ask yourself what you’ve learned from filling out your questionnaire and from reading hers.  This is just the beginning of your journey to enhance your relationship.  We hope you emerge from your sharing time with a renewed commitment to your relationship race, to rediscover the love, excitement, and passion you once had for each other.

Sign up for our newsletter to be notified when the book is released.