Accelerate to Love | Dr. Debra Holland | Steven Guerrro

Readers' Q & A

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Debra

Reader's Question #1:

When it comes to sex, why did my wife loose interest after marriage? I'm dying to make love again to my "girlfriend" (my wife before we wed, of course). What can I do to inspire her to show me her previous "girlfriend" sexiness?

The Romantic Mechanic's Response:

You're not alone brother! Many men and women experience the same post-marital meltdown that is occurring in your marriage. I believe it's due in part to some kind of manipulation syndrome not yet diagnosed and addressed by the medical industry. I can see it now. "Only $99.99. New pill promises a lifetime of courtship-like sex for married couples stalled in a sex slump. Order in the next 5 minutes and will throw in a second bottle for free and a set of steak knives."

It's very exciting for an individual to drive a car before they have their driver's license. It's also very thrilling to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes before one is of age. Sex before marriage (although not so taboo as it used to be) is oftentimes the most enticing and exciting thing a couple can do. Then they get their license and sexual interest and excitement is lost in legalization. This can be resolved though communication, to determine what can be done to make things exciting again.

As far as your situation is concerned, your first step is to talk openly with your wife about your feelings and current situation. Until you discover the reason for her lack of interest in sex, you cannot implement a strategy to rev up your love life. Here are a few very common reasons many women claim their sex drive gets thrown off track after marriage:

Tired from work, stress, household duties, and responsibilities.

Having children oftentimes creates stress, fatigue, both emotional and physiological changes, and reduces libido.

Financial difficulties.

A lack or romance and foreplay from their husbands.

Things are different now; they're not the same as during dating.

Family problems.

Arguing too much.

Harboring resentment for you for something you did or said to her that really hurt her feelings.

Pain or discomfort during intercourse.

Her inability to reach orgasm.

Menopause.

Depending on your wife's answer or answers, prepare yourself to make some modification to your daily regimen and/or the way you communicate and interact with your wife. When you discover what's responsible for her decreased appetite for sex, feel free to get back to us, and we can help you develop a strategy to help get your love life back up to speed.

At the end of the day it boils down to this. It's one thing if your wife stops wanting to have sex with you altogether and won't explain why. In my opinion, that would be bad, and a definite deal breaker. But if your sex life has merely downshifted from 6 times a week to 1 or 2 times a week, well, welcome to living and loving amongst the average. Inspiring your wife to give you a few extra laps around the track now and then or just be her old self when the two of you engage in lovemaking depends on your ability to discover and fine tune her emotional needs and pin point her desires.

Take it to the shop,
Steve

The Relationship Expert's Response:

Many times a wife stops feeling sensual and eager for sex because, little by little, her husband has discontinued his courtship behaviors. When this happens, like a slow leak in an oil line, her sexual feelings for him can start to leak away.

Of course, as Steve suggests, you need to talk to her about what's going on. However, before you do, I want you to take a few minutes to think about what you did to woo and win her before you were married. Did you bring her flowers? Write love notes? Take her on romantic dates? What else did you do to show your love and caring for her?

Now think back over the last six months. When was the last time you did these things? (Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, your anniversary, and her birthday, doesn't count. Those are days you are already SUPPOSED to do those loving gestures.)

Often, a woman can get too caught up with life—work, home, and perhaps children. Sex falls to the bottom of her to-do list. It's not that she doesn't like or want to make love with her husband, it's that there's so much else that she HAS to do. Most evenings, she's still too busy taking care of everything that needs to be finished for today and prepared for tomorrow, and/or she's too tired to muster the interest. Her fuel tank of sensuality has run dry.

As Steve suggests, you two need to have a serious talk about what's blocking her. Then start to implement any suggestions she might have for improvement.

Also increase (or begin again) your courtship gestures. And make sure you give her plenty of NON-SEXUAL loving touches—hugs, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, a kiss on her neck or shoulder.

Finally, start to take on some of her nighttime tasks so she'll have some time to prepare to get her mind and body into a romantic mode. For example, try suggesting that she take a bubble bath while you clean up the kitchen after dinner.

If you follow the plan, you should soon start to see your love life pick up speed.

Dr. Debra

Click here to submit your question to Steve and Dr.
Debra